Spikey Spoof
by Sarr Chasm
Summary: Most critically acclaimed Post-Grave parody fic of ALL TIME! (conceited much?) **Complete!** I.e. no more updates, so get it while it's hot!
1. At first, there was one...

Author's Note: Alright y'all... It's 1:00 in the morning... I should be sleeping, but for some reason I'm reading horrible fics about Spike returning for Season 7 (no offense... Uh, yeah.). I've noticed an abundance of rather striking similarities between all of them and decided to point them all out... Here goes....   
  


(Btw, it's supposed to be written poorly... Note the sarcasm, please. Get it? Sarr Chasm... Sarrchasm... SARCASM!)   
  


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Part I: Out of Africa   
  


The door knocked. No, there was a knock on the door. (What does a knock look like, anyway?) Buffy rushed to the door that was knocking... Or being knocked. 

"Oh My GOD!!" exclaimed she. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer gets no peace in this house!" She ignored the little voice that exclaimed (exclaimed exclaimed exclaimed) "Fo' sho'!" 

Standing on her doorstep was...   
  


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A/N: *Um, ok everyone! That's it! How do you think that is for a cliffhanger? Teehee! PLZ review or I might not be able to go on anymore!! Teehee!!*   
  


Reviews:   
  


SPIKEisHOTTzz reviewed: Thiz haz to be the bezt thing I've EVER EVER read... OMG! I gotta put thiz on my favoritez lizt like... RIGHT NOW! ...Hang on.   
  


JuuJuuBeens reviewed: You're really sad, you know that?   
  


KareBares2031 reviewed: It's so nice to have a refresher from all those mindless Spike-returning fanfics out there... I think you're handling the subject *very* well. Awesome cliffhanger, it'll definitely keep me reading for more!!   
  


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Part II: More Man than Monster   
  


"OMG! It's Spike!!!!" Buffy fainted, but not before noticing that he was standing outside in the (ok, brace yourselves...) SUNLIGHT! 

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Buffy woke up later. How the hell should *I* know what time it was? Do I look like I was there?! No. I wasn't. It was just later. 

Spike was towering over her in his coat... The one that he left at her house before his sojourn, but no one really cares how he got it back... Looking at her funny. 

"Buffy... Love? I'm... uh.... Back?" Buffy gulped. This was too much for one day. She squared her little shoulders (even though she was still strewn across her doorstep. Goddamn Spike didn't even MOVE her into the house.), took a deep breath, and prepared to ask a really really really hard question. 

"Where were you Spike?" 

He looked at her for a moment before smiling, much like imposter Spikes smile. Uncharacteristically. 

"Africa! I got a shiny new penny... I mean soul! Shiny new SOUL!" Buffy punched Spike in the nose, because obviously that's what she's supposed to do. 

"WHAT?!?!" 

"Yes. Soul. Kinda like the kinds on the bottom of your shews-- Shoes. I mean, shoos... NO, SHOES!" 

Buffy nodded. 

"Ooookkk...." Buffy paused. (See Buffy run. Run Buffy run!) "Spike, I wanted to tell you that I forgive you for the bathroom seeing during 'Seeing Red.'" An employee of BtVS, the show, ran in and smacked Buffy on the head with a copyright infringement lawsuit. She pointed to the stack of the rest of them on the coffee table. 

Spike teared up and was soon bawling like a widdle baby. Awww... Isn't he cute? He through himself at her feet and pounded the floor with both fists. 

"No! I don't deserve to be forgiven! I was such a monster! But now... Now, Buffy... Now I'm a *MAN*!" Buffy looked at the sunlight and then back at Spike. 

"Good. You need a tan." 

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A/N: Like... Yeah! That's it! All done. THE END!! 

... 

Fooled you! You think I'd REALLY stop after all the AWESOME feedback you guys have given me?! Like... no WA-AY! 

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*Real* Author's Note: Wow. That was actually painful. I hope you enjoy pain. I'm sadistic like that. 


	2. Then there was two...

Author's Note: Now it's *2:00* in the morning and I *still* can't sleep! I closed up my computer at 1:30 and headed for bed but then ended up doing the tossy-turny-rumple-the-fresh-sheets dealy and... Ta-da! Here I am, back for more! I hope you are too...   
  


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Part III: Who Knocketh My Door?   
  


*Someone's pounding on the door right now... Good for them* Dawn Summers, former Mystical Ball of Energy Key Thingy, thought to herself. Proud that she actually -had- a thought, she snuggled back down into the couch. *Hey look! Old crusty food that I found in the cracks of our even older and crustier couch! I wonder if it still is flavorful...* That makes -two- thoughts... And within seconds of the first! Surely this called for some celebratory sulking... Right? I mean, isn't that what Dawn's main purpose is? To sulk and be vapid and self-absorbed and create unnecessary conflict for her poor older sister who was violently wrenched out of Heaven and make Earth Hell for her? Isn't that her purpose?! 

The door was still being pounded... Upon. 

Rolling her eyes and tossing her long, silky hair-- THE HAIR BECAME ALIVE AND STARTED CHOKING DAWN RIGHT IN HER OWN LIVING ROOM!! THE HORRORS, THE HORRORS, THE HORR--- Must be Tuesday. 

Coughing slightly in embarrassment, Dawn straightened out her whorish clothing and answered the door to see...   
  


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A/N: Wow! This chapter is where the plot REALLY gets going!!! Can't you tell? I had my mom help me with the bigger words (Shhh... I don't want people to know that I don't know how to spell "K-E-Y") so it looks like I'm smarter. Teehee! 

And I gotta say... I'm BOMB at the cliffhangers! Woo! On a rooooooll! 

PLZ don't forget to review! Or I'll come after you! And make you smell like poo! And hit you with a shoe! That's what I'll do! (Hehe, I can RHYME!) 

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Part IV: Haven't We Already Done This Bit?   
  


"OMG! It's Spike!!!!" Dawn fainted, but not before noticing that he was standing outside in the (ok, brace yourselves...) SUNLIGHT! 

Spike looked around nervously for a while before hightailing it out of there... HE JUST KILLED THE SLAYER'S LITTLE SISTER!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! 

Buffy answered the door (as she was meant to.. See last chapter) and wasn't awarded the privilege of passing out in front of Spike. The Not-Burning-In-The-Sun Spike, that is. Instead, she looked down at her sister and sighed as Dawn's hair tried to choke her again. 

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Spike's door to his crypt flew open. BANG! He jumped at least 10 feet in the air, doing a Matrix midair and turning to face the door. 

"OMG!" he screamed in a high-pitched voice, "It's the SLAYER! And I KILLED HER SISTER!!" Buffy scowled. 

"Dude," she replied, "Wouldja stop speaking in CAPS, Spike? Giving me a headache here.... Just like the kind I came to inflict on YOU!" She launched herself at him, justifying her anger by the fact that Spike had screwed up and done the same scene two times in a row, only Dawn didn't realize this and had answered the door before Buffy could, thereby messing with the whole order of life! *Collective gasp!* 

They wrestled each other against the cold floor of the crypt until they tumbled down the steep ladder, into the lower level, and landed on the bed in one smooth swoop. Suddenly they were kissing and.... 

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A/N: Sorry, it started getting a little heated here and my mommy said I shouldn't go above G in this fic... So if you want all the nasty details, go to my related site: www.SpikeAndBuffyGetItOnInNastyGratifyingWays.com. It's just a short insert for the chapter. Teehee! PLZ keep reading and reviewing!! 

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...And suddenly there was sunshine and happiness for all and the world had yet again been saved by another lame apocalypse that no one even knew about in the first place.   
  


TBC.... teehee!!   
  


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Author's Note: I don't even think this "chapter" made sense to -me-! Oh well. The way I figure, people don't want other people to know that they don't understand something... So instead of acting confused, you dumb idiots will laugh your asses off thinking it's the funniest thing you've ever read. 

... 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

... 

Wow, I'm tired. 

... 

Next "chapter" I think I'll start addressing the rest of the Scoobies and their lives Post-Grave. 


	3. Soul isn't just a capital city...

Author's Note: It's 9:30 in the morning now and I've just been awoken to do some B.S. errand which my older brother could have done ANYWAY. So that means no sleep for the weary... Or whatever. So what's left to do? That's right! Write another chapter! The weirdness only seems to come when I'm sleep deprived. 

... 

Wait a second, who am I kidding? I'm ALWAYS sleep deprived and ALWAYS weird. ::sigh:: Oh well.   
  


P.S.: I gotta admit something now. I had forgotten who I was ripping off with the "reviews" of mine, but after I got a real review from them, my memory has been jogged... If you're even halfway enjoying this fic (of course you'd be crazy to), you would absolutely wet your pants if you read anything by Angelus, who is (IMHO) the absolute *God* of spoofs. No joshin', folks.   
  


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Part V: We Have *Friends*?!   
  


The next morning, Buffy and Spike walked up hand in hand to Xander's apartment. Sure, it was a Monday and the construction worker should actually be out -constructing- something... But that's not the point, here! They pounded on the door si-mul-tan-e-ous-ly (I thought y'all might wanna sound that one out... I know I do!!) until it broke down and they just walked it. Sure, Spike had never been invited in, but again... That's not the point, here! 

Xander looked up from his passed out position on the couch. 

"Mmmmglengsnuf," he mumbled drunkenly. Season Seven Xander's always supposed to be drunk. 

Suddenly, in a moment of unique sobriety, Xander screamed, 

"What's that white-EXPLICATIVE DELETE sonofaEXPLICATIVE DELETE doing in my EXPLICATIVE DELETE apartment?! Are you all a bunch of EXPLICATIVE DELETES?!" 

Ok, so maybe it wasn't -absolute- sobriety, but... Buffy and Spike exchanged glances, both their lips starting to tremble. 

"Xander," she admonished, "Please be careful. Now that Spike has a new shoe... I mean a penny... I mean... What the EXPLICATIVE DELETE do you have anyway, whitey?!" 

"A soul." 

"Ah, yes. Ok. Now that Spike has a soul, he's very, very sensitive. Sure, the old bad-EXPLICATIVE DELETE vampire we all knew and .... well, hated... didn't care what anyone thought about him, but now that he has one of those... things... uh, you know... A..." 

"A soul?" 

"Ah, yes. Ok. Now that Spike has a soul, he's very, very sensitive. Sure, the old-- Hang on a tick, I've already done that bit, haven't I?" 

Xander and Spike both chimed in si-mul-tan-e-ous-ly, "YES!" 

Spike gulped. "`Sides, love, I don't go by Spike anymore... It reminds me too much of the old days." 

"So it's William?" Buffy prodded. 

"No, not William either... That reminds me too much of the OLD old days. Now, I'm going to go by..." 

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A/N: What's Spike's new name?! Why is Xander drunk!? Why all the sudden EXPLICATIVE DELETES?! Tune in next time!!! 

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Part VI: Insane Answers to Crazy Questions   
  


"Now I go by..." 

The tension could be cut by a knife... And it was. A large, black Cutco knife swooped down between the three, cutting the tension considerably. 

"..." 

"Rolando!" Buffy and Xander blinked. They tend to do that sometimes, but mostly when their eyeballs start drying up and getting crusty. 

"Ooookk.... Rolando it is!" Xander looked back and forth from Buffy to Sp---Rolando and finally noticed that they were holding hands. 

"Wait a minute... What's going on here, Buffy? Don't you remember what he tried to DO to you in that bathroom scene from 'Seeing Red'?!" Buffy tried to warn Xander before he said it, but it was too late. An employee of BtVS, the show, ran in and smacked Xander on the head with a copyright infringement lawsuit. He pointed to the stack of the rest of them on the coffee table. 

"He's not evil and soulless anymore, Xander. He's good... And soulful! Plus, I'm carrying his baby."   
  


TBC!! Teehee!! 

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A/N: OMG!!! Isn't this totally amazing?! I can't believe how quickly the plot's going by!! There are so many twists, I bet you didn't see HALF of them coming!! 

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Author's Note: Sorry, I know I said I'd talk about the rest of the Scoobs, but I'm still kinda stuck on Buffy and Sp--Rolando. I'll get there soon enough. 

... 

I'm not even gonna ask if you *want* me to, because I'm sure you do!   
  


P.S.: Why is it that people are attracted to this filth that I'm writing and then when I actually try to write something decent, say... "Vengeance Is Thy Name" (self promotion... SELF PROMOTION!!)... No one really reads it? 

I guess it's cuz y'all prefer mindless things for your mindless little lives. Yes, yes that MUST be it. 


	4. Does anyone smell a bun in the oven?...

Author's Note: I don't know what's wrong with me... School is starting up in roughly two weeks and I still have a load of work to do... Including reading a couple thousand pages all together... Argh! And all I can seem to do is sit here and randomly think of horrible plots to write into this fic! Grr. Just... Grr.   
  


P.S.: I'm not getting the reviews that I require to keep teetering on this side of sanity-- Do you really wanna be the one who pushed me over?!   
  


P.P.S.: Please at least look at "Vengeance Is Thy Name." I don't need much feedback for a pile of EXPLICATIVE DELETE like this, but something like that I could use all the help you could spare! Keep that in mind, wouldja? Yeah, you're a real pal.   
  
  
  


Dedication: To all those with non-sucky Post-Grave, Season 7 fics going on right now... 

Ha! Who am -I- kidding?! 

;P 

... 

Actually, the real dedication goes out to 

SasheGrey-- may I always make you laugh out loud at work when you're trying to be discreet! 

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Part VII: The More Things Change...   
  


The cave was dark. There was no light in the cave, making it a dark, dark hole. A hole which very much resembled... A cave. In fact, you might even be able to say that there was *darkness* in the *cave*. Yes, that sounds about right. 

Two yellow eyes were all that glowed in that DARK CAVE... And they glowed with obvious malicious intent. A feral growl rumbled through the cave of darkness, followed by a British voice. 

"I'ma gonna get that SLAY-era!" Wait... That's more like a stereotypical Italian voice. Hang on... 

"That litt'l bit of Slayer's gonna get what she `as comin' tah `er." There we go. Over-stressed British accent. *Perfect.* The voice and eyes lit a match with their matching hands and in that moment of LIGHT, the features of a peroxided vampire revealed themselves to the trembling audience. 

TREMBLING AUDIENCE: *Collective gasp!* 

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Back at Xander's apartment, Rolando and Xander were both gaping at Buffy-- BECAUSE SHE WAS SUDDENLY NAKED! ... Er, no. Because of her surprising confession. 

"You're... You're... You're..." 

"I'm... I'm... I'm...? What?" 

"PREGNANT?!" Again with the Rolando and Xander si-mul-tan-e-ous-ly thing. Buffy blinked. 

"Uh... No? What gave you that crazy idea? It's not like I've been sleeping with anyone *human* recently." 

Now everyone was confused. Rolando thought he should try to reason this one out. 

"But, love, you just said that you were... You know..." he lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, "Pregnant." Buffy blinked-- again. Like a fish. (Teehee guys, I wish everyone reading this could see my really cool fish face! I suck in my cheeks and pretend that my hands are fins and I wiggle them around by my ears while I cross my eyes... It's SOOOO hilarious!!!) 

"Oh. Right. That... No, I was just trying to help out the author. You see, she was starting to run out of good cliffhanger endings. And I always end up being pregnant sometime or another so I decided to try out how saying it felt. It didn't feel too good, actually, so I don't think I'll be saying it again. That or 'I did come back wrong... WITH A BUN IN THE OVEN!!!' That sucks too." 

Nods all around. Ok, crisis averted. Onto the next one. 

Rolando prodded Xander. "Hey, whelp... Aren't you supposed to be drunk? You're doing a bloody awful job of it. Bollocksing it all up, like a right poofter." Suddenly, Rolando seemed to run out of British slang... Funny, he hadn't even used that much... *Gasp!* Maybe he's not even British!! 

Xander nodded sagely. "Yes. Yes I am." He threw himself back against the couch and began to mumble incoherently again. Rolando nodded, looking assuaged.   
  


TBC.... TEEHEEEHEEEHEEEEE!!   
  


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A/N: Who is the mysterious blonde-haired British vampire in the dark cave?! Why is Xander drunk?! Find out in the next edition of my AWESOME fic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  


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Author's Note: I usually do two parts to each chapter, but I wasn't feeling very inspired to do so. After all, this IS my fourth chapter with in a couple of hours. Gimme some credit here... Oh, and feedback. Gimme some feedback.


	5. The plot thickens.. Dun dun DUN!...

Author's Note: This fic seems to have stopped being a fic-parody and more of a "silliness ensues" kinda story... I actually have a couple more points to pick on and then I'll probably wrap it up. There are a bunch of different things to satire, too, so I might be doing more of these just as a fun 

exercise.   
  


Yes, I'm aware there *are* good Post-Grave fics out there, too... But c'mon guys; you know as well as I do that this place is practically swarming with the same plot line. I should know-- I wrote my own about a month -before- the season finale happened. Certain spoilers are very correct, apparently.   
  


If you want to appease your sense of wounded pride, please, by all means, read my own (unfortunately) serious Post-Grave fic entitled "Reality." I believe it was my first ever and Boy Howdy... It shows. ::shudders::   
  


*Ahem* Now, onto our show...   
  


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Part VIII: ...The More They Stay Different   
  


"Why do people call souls 'shiny,' Sp--Er, Rolando?" Buffy asked. They were sitting outside in the SUNLIGHT!! on the lawn of Xander's apartment complex. In some really weird, uncharacteristic moment of politeness, Rolando had suggested they leave the drunkard alone for a bit. 

"Why? `M not sure, love." 

Buffy pondered. It was very difficult... The wheels in her head were quite rusty. A bus drove by, full of children singing "The wheels in Buffy's head go SCRAPE SCRAPE CRRRRRRRRRACK!" She glared at them, a look full of Slayer-Power. The bus vanished. 

"How do they know it's not.. You know... Shimmery? Or twinkling?" Buffy glared at another bus as it began to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." 

Rolando grinned. That was his Slayer. Always thinking. 

"Well, love... I like to call you 'love,' by the way... I believe that it's called shiny `cause--" Rolando's revealing statement was cut off by Dawn, the Once-Mystical-Key-Now-Self-Absorbed-Brat-Teenager-Kleptomaniac, who launched herself from the tree they were resting under. 

"I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU.... IIIIIII HAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEEE YOOOOOOU!!!!" Buffy and Rolando blinked... Like fishies (Oh man, I still wish you could see this AWESOME fish face I'm doing... teehee!!). 

"Dawn? I don't understand," Rolando began hesitantly as her older sister extracted the OMKNSABTK from his neck. "I came all the way back here to show you that I've *changed* and how much I love you and your sister... Why are you mad? I just don't understand. Please help me, I'm a horrible hybrid of Americanism and Brits. It's not very conducive to making a smart person, you know..." 

Dawn glared. A steel glare. Steely glare she glared. She glared very hard and steelily... GLARE AT ROLANDO! 

"You left us! Just like everyone else I've ever known! No one wants to be around me! I'm GLAD that we're all stuck in this house, because how else can I get anyone to spend time with me?!" An employee of BtVS, the show, ran up to OMKNSABTK and began to whisper in the ear. Because this is an omniscient narrated story, the readers are privy to the whispers. 

"Michelle... Wrong ep. I suggest you get *unstuck* from mid-season-six and join us in this little Post-Grave world... Alright?" Michelle nodded. No, Dawn nodded... No! ...I don't know. 

Dawn sat down to join in on the picnic (which was suddenly there) and had a very pleasant time hearing ALL about Spike's journey to Africa... Which, apparently, he actually rode his stolen motorcycle ALL the way across the country AND the Atlantic Ocean. Dawn appeared very interested... Until her hair began to choke her again.   
  


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The Spike-like figure in the DARK CAVE sat moodily in the back, glaring at the lightened opening. Damn that sun. Seeing as how he was a master vampire who had been alive hundreds and hundreds of years, the Spike-alike knew that the sun was not good for him. At the present moment, he couldn't seem to remember exactly *why*... But it would come to him soon. 

As it was, the extra time he had stuck in the cave simply allowed him to plan his evil plan until it was planned to planning perfection! All that planning made him hungry, but he feasted on a random bystander... Who just happened to be wandering helplessly in a cave full of darkness... Alone... 

And there was a collective gasp *gasp!* from the audience when they realized something was terribly, terribly wrong... 

The Spike-Alike had no CHIP!   
  


TBC!!!!!!!!! (That means "To Be Continued" for those of you who aren't quite up to speed with the rest of the world!)   
  


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A/N: OK! Tell me watcha think! So far I've heard a million, gaZILLION people tell me that it's the best fic they've EVER read!! I'm so proud of all the hard work that goes into this. I'd like to thank all my betas who are good enough to point out all the errors... I HATE YOU! YOU'RE HORRIBLE BETAS AND YOU'RE FIRED! *FIRED!* 

Teehee? 

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone that actually reviewed this, but even more to those who took the time to read the humble beginnings to Vengeance Is Thy Name. 


	6. And the Lord said: Thou shall be smote!

Author's Note: Wow, who knew complaining about no one reading my other stories would make people read my other stories! Amazing how far a bit of whining will get you in life, you know. See, if I was reading my stuff I woulda just laughed and said "Wow, what a complainer." But NO! You're too stupid/smart for that!   
  


Mmmhmmm.   
  


Here comes another early morning chapter! Hope you're awake too!   
  


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Part IX: Group Gatherings and Turkey Basting   
  


Buffy knocked on the door to Spike's crypt. She thought she heard voices inside, but couldn't be sure... Maybe it was the TV? Poking her head in, all she saw was Clem and a bag of Doritos. She smiled shyly. 

"Sorry Clem, didn't meant to disturb you..." Clem waved her on in with a friendly grin. 

"No problem, Slayer. Isn't exactly my crypt, either." At the crestfallen look on her face, he knew he had said the wrong thing. Thrusting some Bugles at her, he smiled hopefully. 

"You know, he will come back... Eventually, I mean. Why else would he ask me to sit his place while he was... You know... Gone?" Buffy nodded. She understood. She told herself the same thing all the time. It was the only thing that kept her from sobbing each night uncontrollably as she lay wrapped up in his leather duster. 

"Thanks for the comfort, Clem. I'd better be going... Patrolling and all." She left with a small smile to the floppy-eared demon and wandered back out into the cemetary. 

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"Spike, are you sure you don't want me to tell her you're back?" Clem questioned dubiously. "She seemed pretty anxious... Sometimes she drops by more than one time a night, you know. Just to see if there's been any word within the last 2 hours." The peroxided vampire shook his head. 

"No," he rasped out, "If the Slayer wants to find me, it'll only be to kick my arse back to Season Two," he paused, furrowing his brow at the confusion of his own words. Spike shrugged. "I don't know why I came back here, Clem, but I know she'd rather I didn't." 

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A/N: Isn't it on-the-edge-of-your-seat exciting?! Even I can't wait to see how Buffy reacts to Spike being back in town and....   
  


THE CHAPTER IS SLOWLY RIPPED TO PIECES. A BOOMING VOICE FROM ABOVE, COMMANDING IN ITS KNOW-IT-ALL TONE, QUESTIONS THE AUTHOR: 

"YOU HAVE ALREADY RETURNED SPIKE TO SUNNYDALE, YOU INFIDEL! ARE YOU SO STUPID THAT YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING TWICE?! YOU EVEN CHANGED HIS NAME TO ROLANDO! GOD KNOWS THAT'S DUMB ENOUGH, BUT AT LEAST YOU HAD ALREADY REUNITED HIM WITH BUFFY! SPEAK, I COMMAND YOU!" 

A/N: ::shivers in fright:: It's just that's there's two types of reunion scenes and I didn't wanna feel left out. ::mumbles weakly::   
  


THE BOOMING VOICE LAUGHS. 

"HA!" 

THE BOOMING VOICE SPEAKS. 

"YOU PETTY PIECE OF WORTHLESS POST-GRAVE AUTHOR! FOR YOUR MISTAKE, I WILL EXACT VENGEANCE UPON ANY OTHER STORY YOU WRITE... NO MATTER WHAT WORD YOU TRY TO TYPE, IT WILL ALWAYS COME OUT AS "explicative delete"! I HOPE YOU HAVE LEARNED YOUR LESSON, UNWORTHY MORTAL!!" 

A/N: ::tries to finish the chapter::   
  


Explicative delete explicative delete explicative delete, explicative delete! Explicative delete.... explicative delete delete!! Explicative delete-- explicative delete explicative delete; explicative delete. EXPLICATIVE DELETE!   
  


A/N: ::tries to write that she is experiencing technical difficulties, but you know how that'll turn out. Tune in next time....:: 

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Author's Note: Sorry folks, that was weirder than the rest. But it's true! I had forgotten the second format for a reunion scene and I HAD to add it in somewhere! Back to the original "story" next time. 


	7. Back to the thickened blot Er, PLOT!

Author's Note: Yes, I know, I'm sure you all have been DYING to read the rest of this scintillating tale. Don't deny it, it's no use.   
  


So without further ado, I bring to you... My silly story.   
  


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Part IX: Enter the Understudy   
  


The night was dark. Dark was the night. The night resembled darkness, because it WAS dark. And evil was afoot... 

*Please, note the large foot. It's a-foot. HA!* 

The Spike-Alike was strolling through the graveyard where the REAL Spike's crypt was. He stopped and sniffed the air. As he couldn't smell any Nancy Boy Hair Gel, the Spike-Alike assumed that the REAL Spike wasn't at home. 

And thankfully... His assumption was right. 

(Because we all know the saying: Assume makes an ASS out of U and ME.) 

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Buffy lifted her foot to kick down Spike's crypt's door... But seeing as how the show's set manager hadn't found the time to repair the set after the first fiasco, the door was still on the ground. Buffy set her foot down and proceeded to carefully place one in front of the other. 

"Left, right. Left, right. Left, right. Left, left-- WAIT!" Buffy mumbled to herself, trying to coach herself through walking. It's a very thought-involved process, you know. 

"SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE?" she whispered, which came out more as a yell. When you're concentrating so hard on walking, it's hard to focus on other things. 

"ARE YOU HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME?" Damn that yelling. It reberberated... Reverburated... REVERBERATED off the stone walls and drifted down to the lower level where Buffy heard a low growl. 

"Ooh! Kinky!" She ran downstairs. 

But something was terribly, TERRIBLY, wrong. 

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"Boofay?" Spike walked into her house, calling her name. Or, at least, the phonetic sounding of her name. 

"Are you home? It's time for patrolling. Remember? Wednesday night? I provide the gratuitous sex and you provide the ultimate bitch-routine and we go out and slay vampires together? Remember? It was a date!" 

And the silence was deafening. Suddenly, he was frightened. On a hunch, he sprinted back to his crypt. 

But something was terribly, TERRIBLY wrong.   
  
  
  


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A/N: Phew! That was kinda difficult. Sorry to all my fans that I had to take a couple weeks off from this story. I really just had to sit down and say to myself, "Self, where are we going with this?" Ya know? But now I'm back and badder than ever!! YEAH!!   
  


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Part X: I Bent My Wookie!   
  


Spike stopped and caught his breath outside of his crypt. You may think that it's superfluous to have a vampire needing to breathe, but what about James Marsters? Damnit, he's still human!! 

At the sounds of a struggle wafting up from his lower level (Not THAT kind of lower level... Geeze, get your mind out of the gutter, folks!), he ran into his crypt. 

After sliding down the fireman's pole that he had installed in place of the ladder, Spike spied with his little eye something horrify...ing. It was Buffy... WHO HAD JUST BEEN TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE BY HIS SPIKE-ALIKE THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! 

::gasps for air and then after seeing Vampire!Buffy! again...:: 

... 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!   
  


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A/N: I hope I can keep surprising you guys!! Teehee!!   
  


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Author's Note: It's weird. I've been back in school for a couple of weeks and I really think it's grounded me more.. I don't feel so strangeness-inclined anymore. Something MUST be wrong with me... I also don't have the time to stay up until 1:00 in the morning just to write a crappy-ass-parody-fic. Feh. 


	8. Insanely happy monkeys and minkeys and s...

Author's Note: It's back! Back by popular (ok, so one person IS considered popular... even if it IS myself...) demand. I'm sick right now and not with so much of the lucidity...Lucidness...Both apparently are words, seeing as how my handy-dandy spell-check hasn't underlined them yet...   
  


So, ahem, yes. And awaaaay we go!   
  


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A/N: Mmkay! So I've decided to change my life-long dream into being a screenplay writer, so now I'm gonna write in script form! And.... GO! 

* * *

Part XI: Double Your Pleasure...   
  


ROLANDO: (done with the "NOOOOO's) What the BLOODY HELL is going on here?! You can't just come into people's crypts, willy-nilly, and go around making new vampires, ALSO willy-nilly! It's BLEEDING America, for St. Cripsin's sake! I'm sure you need a warrant or permit or SOMETHING!   
  


SPIKE-ALIKE: Der...?   
  


VAMP-BUFFY: Grr... Arrgh...   
  


ROLANDO and SPIKE-ALIKE: Shuddup!!   
  


::A tussle ensues that you, as the reader, are not privy to as it is the director's job to envision this part. It's a SCREENPLAY folks, THINK SCREENPLAY!::   
  


SPIKE-ALIKE: ::gasping for air which he so desperately does NOT need:: You've got me, mate! You're the victor. I concede. Just let me up for a moment to go get my white surrender flag...   
  


ROLANDO: Uh, well, sure...   
  


SPIKE-ALIKE: Ha-HA! I KNEW I was stupid! (A/N: Must be pronounced "Stewww-pid")   
  


::Spike-alike is suddenly beheaded by Vamp-Buffy whilst he attempts to fool Rolando::   
  


ROLANDO: ::gaping:: Der... What... Er... Huh?... Bler... Who?... Mer? 

VAMP-BUFFY: ::flips her bottle-blonde hair with her bottle-brown roots::   
  


ROLANDO: Whadja do that fer? He was your SIRE, man, your YODA!   
  


VAMP-BUFFY: Silly Sp--Rolando... I'm not a vampire.   
  


ROLANDO: ::points to bumpies::   
  


VAMP-BUFFY: Oh, those? No, I've just been having an acne problem recently. You know, too much stress being a guidance-counselor at the school and all.   
  


ROLANDO: Oh! So that Retinae-Micro WASN'T hemorrhoid cream! ::comprehension dawning::   
  


NOT-SO-VAMPY-VAMP-BUFFY: Right, big boy... Hm... Big Boy...   
  


*************************CENSORED****************************   
  


POST-COITAL ROLANDO: Hey, we never stopped to think who that creepy Me-Alike guy was before you so hastily slayededed him... ::gets so lost in thought that he forgets to come back::   
  


POST-COITAL BUFFY: Sure I did. He was the evil side of you that got extracted from you when you got your soul back... You know, all that stuff about there needing to be balance in the world... Yin and yang, Sunny and Cher... YOU know...   
  


POST-COITAL ROLANDO: Wait a tick... So that would mean that we've just UNBALANCED THE WORLD?!?! 

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A/N: Oooh, I -AM- the master (mistress) of suspense! YES! Go me!! 

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Part XII: And It All Comes Crashing Down   
  


Suddenly, the newly-unbalanced world began to wildly tip out of its orbit and shot straight for the sun, a liquid ball of DEATH AND MELTY-DOOM!! THE HORRORS, THE HORRORS, THE HOOOOOORRORS!   
  


...   
  


And they all lived happily after.   
  


Fin.   
  


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Author's Note: That about wraps it up. I'd like to say I hoped you enjoy, but frankly, I just don't give a EXPLICATIVE DELETE!   
  


EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE EXPLICATIVE DELETE   
  


Oh EXPLICATIVE DELETE! Not again!!! 


End file.
